A Dialogue with Ass Sex
Posted on | March 2, 2010 | 2 Comments
I was recently talking to a friend who, for religious reasons, is against gay marriage. While working in the fashion industry in the early ’80s, she had been an eye-witness to the ravages of the disease and remains quite upset at AIDS for taking her friends. At the peak of our discussion about the rights and wrongs of gay marriage, she passionately, almost tearfully, held that the disease of AIDS was tragic proof that the anus is an exit and that nothing, especially not the penis, is supposed to go inside it. This set me to thinking that, if I were ass sex, I would be feeling pretty picked-on by people who make it the scapegoat for AIDS. So I thought I’d go have a talk with Ass Sex, to see if I could make it feel better:
Me: Hey, Ass Sex. I’m really sorry about people blaming you for AIDS. I don’t blame you, if that means anything.
Ass Sex: Yeah. Thanks. That means a lot. It’s so unfair. HIV is spread by vaginal sex too and nobody hates that.
Me: True.
Ass Sex: And breast feeding, people still love that… and needle-sharing.
Me: Nope, people don’t like needle-sharing.
Ass Sex: But it has the word “sharing” in it.
Me: That is confusing, but no, people are down on that.
Ass Sex: OK, but even if I did spread all the HIV in the world, do you know how many people have died of AIDS since the 1970s? 21.8 million.
Me: Whoa! That’s a whole lot of people, Ass Sex.
Ass Sex: Yeah, but do you know how many people died of influenza just in 1918 and 1919? 100 million.
Me: Was that you, ass sex?
Ass Sex: No! That was war. US troop movements took a bird disease from Haskell County, Kansas and spread it around the world, but nobody ever suggests that war or patriotism causes disease. Everybody loves war and patriotism.
Me: Too true.
Ass Sex: If you sold it as patriotic, we’d attack St. Barts…. If some white guy in a suit said vegetables hated our freedoms, we’d declare war on a field of beets.
Me: OK, I get it.
Ass Sex: And you know what else spread that influenza? Any large gathering of people, like a parade.
Me: Everybody loves a parade.
Ass Sex: Nobody hates doorknobs.
Me: And they spread a ton of disease.
Ass Sex: People are getting throat cancer from oral sex and nobody is hatin’ on cunnilingus.
Me: True that.
Ass Sex: We eat so much corn syrup that 23.6 million Americans have diabetes, and nobody blames corn.
Me: Actually, lots of folks are catching on to the corn problem.
Ass Sex: Who? Smelly hippies?!
Me: Hey, Ass Sex, don’t go calling people names. You need all the friends you can get.
Ass Sex: Yeah, I’m sorry, hippies. You’re not smelly. I just get worked up.
Me: I’m sure they forgive you.
Ass Sex: It’s not like I made HIV in my basement. If two people who weren’t infected had ass sex, they wouldn’t get sick from it. They’d just have a really terrific time having beautiful, lovely ass sex. But it’s too late for that because now everybody hates me.
Me: Hey, stop that. You know what? Maybe people just forgot how special you were.
Ass Sex: [sniff] I am special! And you have to treat me special!
Me: You can’t take Ass Sex for granted.
Ass Sex: Ass Sex is an advanced, super-intimate kind of sex; you have to be especially careful and loving… and sometimes you have to beg for it, like for months or even years.
Me: And part of being loving is taking steps to make sure that you don’t give anyone HIV or some other disease.
Ass Sex: So use condoms, unless you’re in an exclusive relationship, and always plenty of lube, and remember that it’s not just about artlessly stuffing your penis up there. A finger or an ass toy can be a wonderful part of lovemaking all by themselves.
Me: You know what, Ass Sex, you are a wonderful part of lovemaking.
Ass Sex: That’s nice to hear. Sometimes even I forget. Thanks for dropping by, Adrian.
Me: No… Thank you, Ass Sex.
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2 Responses to “A Dialogue with Ass Sex”
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March 3rd, 2010 @ 12:44 pm
Was that you, ass sex?
No matter what happens today, I _hope_ that’s the most bizarre sentence I run into.
So use condoms, unless you’re in a monogamous relationship…
[ahem]
March 4th, 2010 @ 10:42 pm
I loved this post! It kind of reminded me of a Seinfeld conversation, but not quite rated for prime time….